Roboute Guilliman gave the Primaris Space Marine Bikes the green light. Listen to how Cawl first revealed them to the Primarch on Mars.
Deep within the chambers of Mars, Cawl brought Roboute down into the assembly line for his latest work. Here’s the conversation that unfolded after seeing the finished product.
Roboute Guilliman Is Happy About the New Primaris Bikes
Bellisarrius Crawl: My lord, I have prepared a preview of the new Primaris bike unit, as you have requested. It is ready for your review.
Rowboat Girlyman: Ah, finally some good news in this crappy galaxy. I have been looking forward to this for a long time. It has been quite an age since Space Marines had decent new bike models that weren’t covered in Dark Angel feathers, I’m sure the sons of the Lion will be properly jealous.
Belisaurus Rex: As you request sire, they have been modified for peak grim darkness, and are completely and functionally useless.
Rob Grillfieri: Ah yes, I was afraid that after the plastic Scout Bikes, and the Genestealer Cult Bikers, that we were in very real danger of making a model for Space Marines that didn’t look like a brick.
Belisara Wines: Oh no my lord, we couldn’t have that. Not on my watch. Take a look.
Row Row Fight the Gully Man: Wow. You really outdid yourself. I mean you REALLY outdid yourself. This might be the most heinous affront against good design principles since the Stormraven. Finally, the Adeptus Astartes will have a brick that rolls to complement the brick that flies.
Belichachacha: I aim to please, milord.
Rowblat Grillmaster: You know… It’s really over the top. I almost actually hate it. Like I love it, but I love it so much I almost hate it. Does that make sense? Can you hate something and love it at the same time? I guess that’s basically what Space Marine design aesthetic is, a love-hate relationship with a cinder block painted blue.
Belle of the Ball: We worked very hard on it milord, I put some of my best designers to the task, men that had never seen a motorcycle. We had to scour three Forge Worlds to find them, but when we did, it was worth it. They created a machine that had no suspension travel, no ground clearance, impossible to steer, and most importantly, covered in armor which is of dubious effectiveness, because it’s all flat slabs that won’t deflect a projectile. As an off-road vehicle, a combat vehicle, and an armored vehicle, it’s mechanically inferior to the old bike model and has been precision designed to be completely useless in every conceivable way, while maintaining the Adeptus Astartes aesthetic.
Rob Van Gram: I’m so proud of you. This is what I’ve always wanted. You’ve truly created a work of great genius that illustrates that the Mechanicum has no concept of science or engineering and has no idea what they’re doing.
Liberty Bell: My lord! You flatter me! So… Can I be Fabricator General now?
Robb Stark King of the North: No… You’ve been passed over for the position. We hired a more appropriate candidate, that guy in the design studio in Nottingham that’s never seen a motorcycle.
Belarus: Ah! Damn it! Every time. Curse my overqualification!
What do you think about the new Primaris Bikes? Are they going to be making their way into your 2k list?
About the Author: Jack Stover
