Direct your attention now to an emergency broadcast editorial because 30k’s Horus Heresy isn’t dead & we didn’t start the fire.
Hello, my name is Jstove. I write satirical articles about Space Marine characters and make fun of Tau players because their faction is boring and I don’t like it.
Today I am going to be mostly completely mostly serious about people on the internet that are dumb. Who are these dumb people? Well, they’ll remain nameless. Just rest assured that I’m pointing my finger at my computer, and somehow, through the tubes of the internet, it is pointing at you. Or some guy that wrote a dumb blog. Or some guy you know that read a dumb blog.
As a writer of dumb blogs, I assure you I’m an authority on the topic of finger pointing at dumb blog posts.
Recently, several cats have been blamed for the demise of 30k
I read something dumb on the internet (what a shock) about how Horus Heresy was dying because the major 40k sites said so.
Naturally, this didn’t bother the cats that run Spikey Bits at all, because they are cats, and cats are innately selfish dicks. They’ll publish anything, regardless of whether or not it is factual. What I’m going to say next is the absolute truth and you can believe it because someone on the internet said it- CATS RUN THE ENTIRE INTERNET, SO IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE THAT THEY WOULDN’T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT POSTING FALSE CONTENT.
Fortunately, the guy who sends me free models in exchange for dumb words, Roberto Perturabo Baersicus, has his own Iron Warriors hell planet in the eye of terror, where he keeps several internet cats as slaves, and does not give them nip unless they only post articles on Spikey Bits that don’t suck.
…Most of the time. I also bribe the cats, so a lot of my dumb articles get through. I’m gaming the system.
I’m pointing the finger at you, dumb guy.
Fortunately, as a member of the 40k blogosphere, I read pretty much everything Bell of Lost Souls and Spikey Bits publishes, just to see what the other loud 40k jerks with big opinions are writing about.
So I actually know who exactly wrote the “30k is dead” article, and when. I’m not naming names. I would like to, but I’m not. You can guess, but I won’t tell you.
But I’ll give you a hint- you can rule out Kenny Boucher and Goatboy because they would both actually die of resin withdrawal if Forge World stopped producing Contemptors and Decimators. Kenny actually trims his chops with a razor that has a handle made of soulburner petards. I have been to his house and I have seen it, it’s actually pretty impressive.
He mortal wounds his chops with one hand while holding a bottle of Smirnoff ice in the other. I’m pretty sure he can’t actually shave when he’s sober. For maximum precision, his chops must remain icy.
Just a reminder, everything in this article is completely factual.
Dumb opinions on the internet are still dumb opinions on the internet.
Here are some facts.
- 30k events still sell out and blow the doors off at every major national tournament.
- Nick Nanavati actually has a spiritstone and he has nightmares of Slaanesh devouring him if he doesn’t sleep with an Eldar codex under his pillow.
- Reece Robbins has a Bloodthirster model that is completely shaven. Completely.
- A Nurgling shooting a stream of poop out of his butt won the Slayer Sword this year.
- Forgeworld just released sweet Alpha Legion models and the Blood Angels/Scars HH book is on deck.
- Primaris marines are still pretty much mediocre with the exception of Hellblasters and do not replace normal marines. Scouts replace normal marines.
- Spikey Bits will continue to post articles with a major bias towards Chaos because everyone that writes for Spikey Bits is a Chaos player.
- Shadowsun has cooties.
- Age of Sigmar is actually a pretty good game and Necromunda is worth playing since Gang War 3.
Hopefully, that ends the dispute. Now let’s get back to enjoying some 30k.
Speaking of which, since 30k is alive and well, you should consider going to Heresy Camp this summer. It won’t suck
Let us know what you think in the comments on our Facebook hobby page.
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