How good does the new Primarch model look? There is someone whom we haven’t heard an opinion from yet, and that is from Lord Sanguinius himself.
Another Jstove classic is here!
Dear Genesons,
It’s me, your daddy, the original Big Bird, Saint Michael in the genetically enhanced flesh, Sanguinius. I’m here today, using my precognitive powers that I later passed down genetically to my Librarius to tell you how disappointed I am in you, my sons.
Who’s Your Daddy
First of all, I have to say that you guys are the most spoiled brats I’ve ever freakin’ seen. You all really had potential. I mean, you had real potential. You had good taste when you picked Blood Angels… I mean, who wouldn’t? Why wouldn’t you want your Primarch to be an analogy of the literal archangel that cast the devil out of Heaven?
You can’t be more biblically badass than that. I am the actual, factual, genetically enhanced Godhand nemesis. I’m the personification of vengeance and triumph over evil. I’m literally the only pure good guy in this whole increasingly crappy Galaxy. I’m here to kick Bloodthirster ass and chew bubblegum, and my fruit stripe ran out of flavor ten seconds after it hit my tongue…So bring on Ka’Bandha!
I did everything for you so that even after my death, you’d continue to kick ass.
In third edition 40k, I gave you the first ever Feel No Pain rules for Death Company. That was mine, I did that.
I also gave you fast Vindicators so you could just drop S10 payloads in your opponent’s lap on turn 1.
Then for my next trick, I sent Matt Ward to help you. And he gave you jump pack Librarian Dreadnoughts with S10 force weapons and Stormravens. I know we eventually gave the Stormravens to the Grey Knights and then the rest of the Marines when they cried about it, but come on. I gave them to you first. I even gave you plastic Angel Wing jump packs.
You Still Betray Me
And still, you betray me even after being THE BEST MARINE BOOK FOR LIKE THREE EDITIONS RUNNING, because who is gonna argue with S10 force weapon flying Wizard Dreadnoughts and fast Vindicators? Don’t even get me started on how laughable Grey Knights are… They were good for like four months and then got their teeth kicked out when they lost rad grenades and rending psybolt ammo. The codexes I gave you stayed good for YEARS.
I’ve come to the conclusion that you worthless entitled little Genebrats have been using me as a crutch. Despite the fact that I’ve consistently given you the best combined-arms close range Marine book for years on end. And oh by the way, also the best Legion models in 30k.
Look at the garbage that every other Legion gets and then look at how unbelievably sexy Blood Angels are. All the haters are chumps.
I Finally Have a Model & You Spit on My Grave
I didn’t get choke-slammed by the Undertaker so you whiny 41st-millennium snot-noses could trash my model in 2019. If I knew you bunch of wusses were going to do this to me, I would have just let Dorn go handle Horus. Then maybe I’d still be alive to spank all your miserable asses 10,000 years later.
Let’s address all your critiques of my model so I can tell you why you’re disowned and you’re no longer allowed to play my army.
The Pose:
You unappreciative Philistines. You know during the Great Crusade, we were fighting to preserve the future of the art and culture of mankind. And yet still most of you high school dropouts missed the boat. I’m the only Primarch model that’s based on actual renaissance paintings. Go read some art history, and switch to Tau. You don’t deserve my glory.
The Hair:
First of all, the only Head and Shoulders factory in the Galaxy was on Chemos, and we blew the hell out of that planet when Fulgrim went traitor. Speaking of which, if you want perfect hair forever, you should have gone with the third Legion. Some of us are a little too busy breaking the backs of Bloodthirsters over our knees to rinse and repeat, you cowards. And for the record, YES, I AM A SAIYAN.
That Other Model of Me on The Internet:
It’s 1/6th scale. That’s an action figure. That doesn’t even count. How you have forsaken me.
And One Last Thing
Despite being the actual personification of sacrifice and good triumphing over evil, I do have some Angelic empathy for about three of you. I want to thank the faithful Sons that actually paid attention in their sixth-grade art class and have developed the level of sophistication required to appreciate my majesty. You guys get a pass and can keep playing Blood Angels.
The rest of you Genebrats can go play Raven Guard or Night Lords or some other lame Legion that messes with jump packs. Leave your Blood Angel codex at the door on the way out and wash your greasy hands. I don’t want fingerprints on my codex.
