Abaddon is here today to tell us his own personal thoughts about the new Chaos models previewed inside the Shadowspear Box Set.
Hello heretics, I’m talking specifically to you.
And for any of you idiot corpse worshiper loyalists out there who still read Spikey Bits, even though Cat Man Rob, Kenny the Iceman, and all the contributing authors to this blog all play chaos and constantly pump this website full of chaos content… Come to the dark side, we have cats.
Editor’s note: I also play Adeptus Titanicus, the best game you are not playing right meow.
Now, where was I?
Oh yeah, that’s right, I am the Warmaster formerly known as the Prince of freaking Darkness, and I’m coming to a GW near you, in PLASTIC after you waited your entire lives. Some of you have been rocking my pewter model since your children were born, and now those kids are graduating from college. It’s been that long.
As the Head Rock n Rolla of the Chaos legions, I feel like my plastic-ing is not just a time for celebration, but a refresher course for all the Chaos faithful and also all the idiot Loyalists that still read this site despite the fact that the only thing we ever do for them is make memes about Dark Angel loyalty.
I’ll be coming to you live with a host of badass new Chaos Marine releases, if you believe the rumors and spoilers, (you should) so let’s do some homework, okay?
Dinobots Are Dumb
Not too long ago, about 6th edition, GW thought it would be really cool if they changed the Chaos Space Marine range into Beast Wars Transformers.
That was dumb, and the whole thing didn’t age well.
The robot Gorillas were at least good, and Maulerfiends are still kind of legit with tentacles, but Heldrakes took a nose dive and thank the gods for that because nobody liked shoving those spikey turkeys into foam anyway. Now they sit on the shelf where they belong and collect dust.
Well, the creative geniuses at Hellforge Nottingham are at it again and rather than giving us something flavorful like derelict old Heresy era units leftover from the Great Crusade that have been Chaos-ified, we’re getting a damn Spider robot.
Everyone ignore the Spider robot and hope it goes away. It actually looks kind of cool, but it’s another damn Dinobot. If it’s actually good in the game, I’ll eat my topknot.
The biggest problem with Spiderbot out of the box is that even if he is good, I’m not holding my breath. Ever heard of Veterans of the Long War, Forward Operatives, and Endless Cacophony, to name a few? The big kahuna moves in the Chaos codex are on INFANTRY. Anything else is just… Well, that giant metal spider from Wild Wild West.
The Reason is the Season for Obliterators
Now let me tell you what I’m bringing with me that actually is exciting.
See these beefy boys made of muscle and guns and tons of fun? They’re called Obliterators, and up until now, they’ve been ugly, stupid looking, pewter, and then resin.
But now that they’re plastic, expect me and three of my closest thick gun-toting friends to be knocking on your door to kick your teeth down your throat.
All you Loyalist goons need to pay attention to this one- Ignore plastic Possessed, ignore plastic Chaos Marines, ignore Dinobots… Santa is coming down your chimney this year with plastic Obliterators and by ‘your chimney’ I mean somewhere tight and uncomfortable and by this year I mean the Mark of Slaanesh, and they are firing TWICE, baby!
I want everyone to adopt their serious yoga pose and follow with me now.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Plastic Obliterators.
I really don’t even care who gets a Primarch model now.
Plastic Obliterators.
Climate change is destroying the world and the East Coast has frozen solid.
Plastic Obliterators.
A Catachan guard list won LVO.
Plastic Obliterators.
Congratulations, you’ve attained inner peace. Nothing else bothers anyone anymore after plastic Obliterators. We are one with the universe and all that crap. We are one with plastic Obliterators.
