Now that the Primaris Space Marines are a thing, and have sent shock waves throughout the Imperium, what do the Chaos Traitors think of them?
It’s meeting time in the Eye of Terror and the Traitors are discussing the newly revealed Primaris Space Marines. Let’s see what Abaddon the Harmless and the others think.
THE TRAITORS REACT TO PRIMARIS MARINES
Abadaddy – Okay, so everyone’s here. Now, as the most active traitor in the armies of Chaos and the de-facto leader of the faction —
Angron – PPFFFFT. What? De-facto faction leader? Aren’t you the broken clone son of Horus?
Abadoodle – 13 Black Crusades, jerk. Where have you been? Where have all of you been? Except for Magnus, you’ve all been sitting around the Eye of Terror with your thumbs up your –.
Angron – Hey we’re just waiting for our plastic Primarch models, man.
Abadadger – Yea, and the Sisters of Battle are too. Call Sanguinius and ask him how long the line is. The point is, I’m the one going out and doing work.
Fulgrim – Has anyone seen Slaanesh lately? He went off on a bender and he’s not picking up his hellphone.
Abazabba – Everyone just shut up and listen. Rowboat Booty Girlyman, the only Primarch in the galaxy without his head up his own under armor, has been hard at work making new marines. This is a cause for concern. I want to know what you guys think we should do about it.
Mortarion – The same thing we always do, nothing.
Abalicious – So….. nobody wants to call Fabius Bile and see what he’s cooking up? Maybe check up on that whole “new man” plot line that he’s kept on the shelf for the last 20 years? You know, he’s supposed to have cracked the gene-seed code or something. But, it’s not like he’s gotten a Black Library novel or anything lately.
Fulgrim – What’s he got? Marines that do drugs? Yea been there, done that, got the detachment to prove it. We already have marines, possessed marines, and a cult marine unit for every god. We got so much marine here that power armor went out of style and we started using cultists. Who cares if the loyalists are pumping out a new armor mark. It’s a fad.
Abadiddy – Well, they have 30-inch bolters, 2 attacks, 2 wounds, fancy new armor…
Mortarion – Feel no pain? 2 assault weapons for a five man squad? Ignore cover weapons? Chain axes? Inferno bolts? A psyker in the squad? Fearless? What have they really got?
Abatrocious – Well… Chapter tactics. They’ll get that. Don’t know about weapon options or special toys yet. Mostly just 30-inch bolters and 2 wounds and 2 attacks.
Magnus – Not worried about it.
Abadumb – Why not?
Magnus – Because Grey Knights have Terminators, and they have Paladins, which are just Grey Knight terminators but better. Except that they cost more and they still die to all the stuff that kills Grey Knight Terminators, which makes them actually worse. They suck. Do you ever see Grey Knight lists anymore? No. Because without Coteaz, rad grenades, and psybolt ammo, they’re really just overpriced marines with too many toys and not enough boots on the table.
Mortarion – Yea, to be completely honest, we already have all the best marine units in the game. We just never use them because the price isn’t right. A two wound marine in power armor isn’t really a big deal. They look like chumps to me.
Abadeedoddydie– You guys think Paladins are bad?
Magnus – What do you call a Terminator that dies to a lascannon or a melta-gun shot? A dead Terminator. What do you call him when he costs more and has an extra wound, but still dies to a lascannon or melta-gun shot? A chump.
Abadachshund – But they don’t die instantly to plasma.
Mortarion – Yea, but you’re never just gonna take just one shot with plasma. It’s rapid fire. Also, combi-guns don’t run out of gas in 8th Edition, so it’s not like we’re not gonna have enough of it.
Fulgrim – And in 8th Edition everyone will have splitfire. Hello, blastmasters.
Abadumpy – By the same token, you don’t think Terminators are going to be good?
Mortarion – No, we didn’t say that. Terminators are going to have Terminator armor and infinite combi-guns. We said paying more points for less models that die to the same guns that still drop them when they were one-wounders is dumb.
Abadunderdonger – So you think I’m overreacting…….
Angron – Overreacting doesn’t even touch it. Do you have any idea how much crap my boys are going to wreck if the transport rules don’t suck this edition and Khorne Berzerkers get a viable points cost?
Mortarion – Yea pretty much. Make no mistake, if GW says power armor is going to be back in style in CSM armies, the last thing the meta is going to be worried about is a 2-wound, truescale corpse-worshipper with a 30-inch bolter.
